Dear world:

Today I am starting a blog because my diet book claims that public humiliation will motivate me to lose weight.  My hope is that this also extends to all of the other shortfalls of my daily life, including but not limited to: working, working out, dating, watching the Vampire Diaries.

Today we will focus on eating, although you will also receive detailed and horrifying updates of all other facets.  So don't worry.  Overshares abound.

My wonderful friend Nora has loaned me the book: The Four Hour Diet.  Now I am typically not one for self help books, primarily because they take too long to read, but Nora assured me that as long as I would be willing to eat beans, this diet would allow me to eat unlimited pastries.   Now, I dated a Mexican for a very long time.  And I am a vegetarian. So in answer to part 1, yes. I can eat many, many beans.  But what really got me was the pastries.  Well, not pastries specifically, I like a chocolate croissant as much as the next compulsive eater, but the implications of this word, "unlimited" were staggering.  Even for one day, could this be true?  She must be exaggerating.  Or underestimate the shocking volume of butter soaked anything that I can consume in a sitting.

In any case, I was intrigued.  So I opened said book.  The diet plan is restrictive.  Nothing "white." So my daily bowl of fried rice is off the table.  That's cool, I can hang with legumes... No dairy, which means no cheese... This is more difficult for someone such as me, who if terminally ill would eat nothing but aged Gruyere melted upon fresh baked good until I preempted my impending doom with cardiac arrest.  But I kept reading, because the author, Timothy Ferriss, keeps alluding to a mythical "binge."

And after the arduous slog through how to preempt excess gas wile subsisting on nothing but beans, and Q&A's about whether one can have soy milk (no. because that would be delicious) and the dangers of derailing the whole thing on almonds (he actually told me the calories in a cup of almonds.  For which I will never forgive Mr. Ferriss.  I will not type it here, so that the rest of you can continue to eat smokehouse almonds like popcorn and pretend that 6 handfuls is a "serving.") I reached the true miracle of this diet:

QUESTION: DO I REALLY HAVE TO BINGE ONCE A WEEK?

ANSWER:
"It is important to spike caloric intake once a week.  This causes a host of hormonal change that improve fat-loss, from increasing cAMP and GMP to improving conversion of the T4 thyroid hormone to the more active T3."

Now, perhaps you understand what this means and can explain the difference between T4 and T3, or what cAMP and GMP is.  I do not and cannot.  And I do not care, because now, even after the almond faux pas, I am in love with Mr. Ferriss.

Unfortunately, to get to the glorious binge day, I have to somehow survive the other six days a week.  I also had to take my measurements.  He also recommended to go have your body fat measured, but... yeah... no. Negative.  I considered it whilst at the gym this morning, but I fear the judgment of the trainers.  Instead, I took my measurements in the privacy of my home office, wrote them on an index card, and taped it on the wall next to my envelope of unopened mail and coupons to buffets.  I will not be sharing those measurements, in hope that I look smaller than I am and that you all believe that illusion.

I'll keep you updated if I lose inches.  Otherwise, that will remain conspicuously absent.

Anyway, so to my food consumption:

bfast:

I microwaved eggs and then dumped cottage cheese on them.  You're supposed to eat 20+ grams of protein within 30 minutes of waking up and this seemed the most expeditious way to do so.  Tomorrow I plan to add spinach.  I'll be half asleep anyway, why not go for some leafy greens.

Lunch:

I went to Safeway after my body pump class and impulse purchased a bevy of non white food products.  I tried to picture what I would like to be eating and then removed all of the best parts.  So my lunch was a castrated burrito.

- Lettuce
-1 can of black beans
-1 cup of yellow corn
- 3/4 of an avocado
- pinch of Mexican cheese/dollop of sour cream (it's day 1. don't judge me)
- 2 blackened tilapia fillets (I know, tilapia is gross, but I am poor, stay tuned for a job-related post for details).

The result:

It was good. I admit it.  Probably from the 30 calories of wonderful white things.

So there you have it. Day one of my new diet.  Post one of my new blog.  One day closer to binge day.

xoxo.